Boundaries

 “Mending Wall” is a poem by Robert Frost in which his neighbor tells him that “good fences make good neighbors.”  Frost and I both question that, but there is something to be said for knowing one’s boundaries.  It keeps us from stepping on sensitive toes and helps us focus on priorities.  On the other hand, particularly as one ages, there are times when fence-jumping, or stile-stepping are called for, and even ‘fence-sitting’ can be recommended.   

Stile:  A Structure which provides one a passage through or over a fence or boundary.

  Of all the obstacles that life puts in out path, age is a major challenge,  there is no doubt about that.  Growing old presents us with many fences to hurdle, and even considering the difficulties involved, I take the stand that the secret of healthy aging is to discern which fences have stiles and which do not.

 It is very true that I cannot do what I did 20 years ago.  I cannot compete is long-distance races, all day marathons, late-night parties or the cleaning binges I used to do when I had neglected my housework for more pleasant duties for far too long.  I forget people’s names and there is a creakiness there that surely wasn’t there at 21!

 I remember when, at about 65, I first discovered the pain of getting up from a kneeling position in my garden.  “Oh, oh!”, my body said,  “Time to slow down, old girl.”  The question is, how much slowness should I accept, and how can I continue to make my garden presentable?  Or can I?

Some oldies can deal with graduating infirmities, and others cannot.  The man who has golfed 2-3 days a week and is physically unable to do this any longer, can sell his clubs and retreat to a sedentary, unsatisfying life, or he can also go to the gym and keep what muscles he has left from atrophying.  It’s a choice. 

The lady who no longer exudes beauty and sex can try desperately to get her lips as sensual as ever, botox the wrinkles, and tuck the jowls, but she is not fooling herself or anyone else.  The boundary of age has presented itself, and there are healthy ways to meet it, and there are some that are not so healthy.  It is a choice.

The geriatric pros will tell us that being able to ‘accept’ one’s limitations is a determinant of what they call ‘successful aging.”  (Whatever that is.)  However, one can ‘accept’ it by sitting in a chair and feeling sorry that ‘the good days are all gone’, or one can try to use today to its best advantage. 

I don’t like the term ‘adapting’.  I prefer the thought that as we age, we can find ways to go with the flow…while I can’t spend an entire day digging and hoeing and planting in my garden, I need not have a rivalry with my youth—I can still plant beautiful things in the pots and containers on my patio.  When I can’t keep up with the latest fads—I’ll let my children explain them to me.  I do not have to pretend to be something I am not.  I can be what I am:  old lady with a point of view that allows her to sometimes go over the fence of age even if she has to use a stile!

However, I can be as feisty as I want, but, unless there are others to help us over the stiles of aging, we are in a fine pickle.  My friends in our knitting group at the retirement center were discussing the wonderful people that worked there and helped them so much.  “Bob is just great when he takes us out to lunch on Mondays,” said one.  “He always knows just how much help each one of us needs to getting around, and yet he gives us just the right boost without making us feel self-conscious about our lameness.” 

That said so much: to fit in, to be a part of things, to do those things which gives life its verve, and yet to know that there are those who know how to help maintain a place for the aging within life’s framework.  Human society has not yet come to the place where it can accept a “Logan’s Run” type of world in which, at the sight of an implanted red light, the over-thirty must suddenly disappear for they are no longer wanted or needed. 

The more I research this subject of “what to do about growing old”, I discover that, as in most of life, it isn’t something one can do successfully on one’s own, but it must begin there; it must begin with the individual finding ways to overcome the boundaries and infirmities of age, emotionally and physically.   It is different for each of us, and yet there are common frustrations and successes that we can pattern from.   Later we can look at what society needs to offer its aging population; a population, which each of us will possibly join at some time or other.